Facebook has this wonderful feature where they will show you.post from that day in history. Apparently this time 4 years ago I was going through my first real breakup. At this same time four years ago I was also nearing the end of my “om my God, my life is so hard and look how deep I am” poetry phase. I look back at these poems and I can’t help but laugh at myself. Thinking back to those days, I’m honestly not sure what I was thinking. I was so emotional! Now, I’m not saying that I’m no longer an emotional person, I wear my emotions on my sleeve with pride. I just don’t wear as many of them as I use to and I now have a greater level of objectivity. Thank God for progress and life experiences. Take a look at some of this “poetry” that I wrote so you can see what I mean. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think that these poems are bad, they just should have never been out on the internet.
What if you and I were one…
Forgetting about all the issues of the world.
Just letting what we feel between us become real
What if I kissed you, would you laugh?
would you cry, or would just stop and stare
What if the ifs no longer existed.
What would be left?
Or would there be a nothingness that consumes
what we see as love
Then what would be left?
Ha, Reality only exist if you let it
Now what’s left?
Nothing but pure nothingness
The same nothingness in which love was said to be consumed
Consumed in but not die in.
What if we let reality exist?
What if we let our love become reality?
THAT LAST PART DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE! Jesus, what was I going through?! I thought I was so deep, and what was with my obsession the concept of “reality.” After this poem, I got into my first relationship, had my first kiss, and went through my first breakup all within one week. I laughed so hard when she broke up with me at then end of that week. I was all just so ridiculously high-school. This wasn’t the breakup poem that Facebook pointed me to though. Yes, it gets worse. Okay I think this was when I was in the middle of my first long-term relationship.
Thoughts of her
Brings the joys of a thousand first kisses.
She is the epitome of what is right with the world
Her heart is as big as the oceans, but her love is as focused as a stream
When she’s beholder…I’m beautiful
This minuscule description of her makes me wonder,
“Does she know how much she means to me?”
It’s hard for me to show her how much I love her.
Because I feel as though I am fighting an onion-layered wall
and not losing, but not winning.
In order for me to win
I first have to defeat her.
To the girl who stands alone in the middle of her onion walls
Just know, I’m coming for you
You can no longer hide in the walls you built in the dishonor of
the lifeless souls that lay at their base.
I am getting closer, but you are retreating, it’s ok because I will make my
By… well you know
I actually still like this one. “Her heart is as big as the oceans, but her love is as focused as a stream” Man, I was on some real poetic ish. I was in love with this person who now best friend. Our relationship been all over the place. She was the first girl to make me feel worthy of love. You gotta understand, I’ve been big and awkward my entire life. Especially during the first two years of high school. I had the social skills of a theoretical physicist. So girls didn’t really “like me like that.” I remember getting excited any time a girl gave me a hug. Which was like once a year at the end of the school year by this one girl. I wish I was lying, but yea , I was the “where’s my hug guy.” Okay, this is the poem I posted on October 19th, 2011.
Recalling the memories of you
Why can’t I forget you?
Why isn’t this as easy as the last time?
I claimed to be the fighter,
But I’m nothing more than a little boy holding a sword twice his size.
You made me feel like the fighter
You gave me a smile in this world of frowns
You were my muse
Being with you helped me be me.
I know you think that I should get over you
But tell me this how can you get over something that was suppose to have no end
At the end of the day, the thing that bothers me the most is that,
While I was tearing down your onion layered heart, I didn’t see biggest wall of them all was not in you heart but around you.
That wall loves you more than I do, but I still wish I could overcome it.
So here sit, alone,
How do I get over something was suppose to have no end?
– A boy carrying a sword twice his size.
Okay, you gotta admit by this point I have gotten substantially better. I think this was right before I disappeared for two weeks during my freshmen year at UT after my first real breakup. It did not end the way I thought it would, but hey. I was so hurt when I wrote this. I loved her so much, and in some regards still do. If you were to tell me that four years later that the girl with the onion layered heart would be my best friend, I’m not sure I would have believed you; maybe I would have. Honestly, I would have done anything to keep her in my life. This was so hard, she was the first person in my life I was completely vulnerable with. Then it ended. We’re good now, but the feelings were strong. Loving her has taught me a lot about myself and what I want in a future mate. This post did not end the way I thought it would, but that’s kinda how love is. Full of surprises.
Continue to love, it’s worth it at the end.
J is alive…